Just me, God and the purple martins

 As I sit outside with the birds chirping, purple martins are everywhere, I am reminded of that beautiful morning in June 2022. The days leading up to my surgery, I was staying busy and trying to keep my mind off of what was about to happen. We even went zip lining 4 days before surgery! It was a blast and just what I needed. However, the next few days leading up to June 8, the day for my double mastectomy, worry and fear were setting in.  So, I was doing my morning devotional poolside when everything seemed to stand still. Every other morning that week, people were mowing or kids playing, even the road behind our house was loud but not this particular moment. It was silent as the dawn of day and so peaceful. They only thing I could hear were the birds chirping. My guided prayer for the day prompted me to imagine Jesus sitting next to me and to have a conversation with Him. I expressed my fears and worries and he told me not to worry, that the Lord provides for the birds and of course He will take care of me. Read the parable Matthew 6:25-34  We should not worry about tomorrow! I was so moved and brought to tears by the Holy Spirit. I really did have peace after this moment about going into my surgery and believed the doctors would get all of the cancer and I would be ok. So, here I sit again a year later, and there’s worry about the future. You to see when you have had cancer there’s a chance of reoccurrence, a little bit of fear creeps in, and sometimes you can go down a rabbit hole real quick. So, God is reminding me once again to trust Him. He knows my heart and my fears. He keeps showing up in my devotional and my guided prayer. As for the birds, well they are speaking loud and clear this morning. Reminding me who holds tomorrow and who holds my hand through it all!! 

August 6th-2 months post mastectomy

It’s been a month since my appointment with the oncologist. It took me awhile to process hearing that there is a 5-6 percent chance some cancer cells could have “escaped”somewhere else in the body (normally lung or bone). So, to reduce that chance to 3%, I was prescribed tamoxifen for 5 years which has a huge list of side effects. I was nervous to take it and worked up the courage after a week. So far it’s not been too bad. Life is getting back to normal. I have more arm strength but still get frustrated when I can’t do simple tasks but remind myself to be patient and look at how far I have came. Staying positive and trusting God is really all you can do when life throws you lemons! I’ve had some hard days but know I am stronger having gone through this and choose to make lemonade out of the lemons!

I’m so thankful for everyone who has been by my side through this journey! My mom, who was here everyday for a month after surgery checking on me, bring us food and sweets, tidying up, helping wash my hair, helping get my legs shaved 😂 just all the things that are hard to do with my t-rex arms. My sister, coming down to stay with me when Jeff had to go back to work. Preston and Chloe have been great helpers around the house and going to stlouis with me for appts. They unpacked my classroom and helped me get it ready, too! Austin always knowing when I just need a hug after he’s been working all day! Also, everyone who brought meals and checked on me, thank you! 

I know some say I’m lucky, fortunate or however you want to look at it because I didn’t have to have chemo or radiation and that is so very true but this journey has been anything but easy. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, please read the screenshots if you have time, an OR nurse wrote it to patients having a mastectomy and it was shared on a fb page I follow. As always, thank you for the prayers! 💕

Celebrate the little things! 6/21

 Yay! Jeff stripped my drains for me for the last time last night. The drains really grossed me out. He was such a champ always taking care of them for me.

 Preston took me to get my drains out yesterday! Chloe watched the nurse take them out, gross! Fortunately, it did not hurt! I am just so thankful no chemo or radiation- may I remember to start every day with that! When I see my scars, may I remember how strong and positive I have been through this and remember all the ways God is and has blessed me through this and given me peace. Preston, Chloe, and I went to Fitz and enjoy a delicious root beer float and lunch. We also went to IKEA to kill some time. It was a great day together. ❤️

Surgery

Since Covid, mastectomy and reconstruction surgery is now considered outpatient. However, since we had a 2 hour drive, I was approved to stay overnight. Thank goodness, because I do not know how anyone can go home after this type of procedure. At one point, the nurse brought in seven pills for me to take and gave me a shot in my stomach to prevent blood clots. I don’t remember much of that evening but Danielle and Jeff have filled me in on a few things. Apparently, I just wanted a banana 😂  so for my dinner meal they ordered chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy and a banana. They bring my meal, no banana! I guess they were out of bananas.  I was pretty bummed about that! Jeff went to get 5 guys. Danielle stayed with me which I don’t remember, I must have dozed off.  I guess I woke up and ate some of my burger and fries. Jeff left for the hotel and the rest of the night was a blur of nurses coming in and checking on me. I was up and out of hospital by 10:00ish and felt ok, must of had some good pain meds working still. Oh yeah, Danielle told me that as soon as I got to the recovery room, I was asking if they even gave me pain medicine because I was in pain and needed more. My rib hurt the most and still does. They stitch the tissue expander for reconstruction to a rib. Ouch! 

My Journey

 I am nine days postop and I’m going to try to journal what my journey has been thus far. Wednesday, June 8. Surgery day! Well let’s back up to Tuesday, I was frantically trying to clean everything and make sure I had all the things done. Plus, I had to take Preston back to the doctor because he had his toenail removed the day before because of infection. So, when the nurse called to confirm my appointment I wrote down 9:30 arrival 11:30 surgery on a piece of paper in my car and put it in the middle console and went back into the store with Chloe. Originally, my surgery was scheduled for 11:30 arrival and 1:30 surgery. I never looked at that paper again and had it in my head that surgery was still at 1:30 with 11:30 arrival.  The night before a dear friend, Heather, organized a nice prayer over me before we left Tuesday evening and I truly felt at peace. So, backing up again it was even a struggle for me to reach out to some of my past prayer warriors to help me get through this. I continued to pray to God and he put  a few people on my heart to reach out to to ask for prayer during this time and I’m so glad I listened to his nudging! So, a small group of family and friends showed up and everyone said a blessing over me.  I did not feel comfortable telling all of my Facebook friends of my diagnosis so I created a page called faithful prayer warriors of people who I felt comfortable telling and knowing they would pray for me. Danielle also created a meal train which I felt strange about at first, too.  I just don’t understand why I struggle with asking for help. However, the meal train has been a huge blessing. So, back to surgery day we get up, get ready, pray with the kids and head out around 9:15. At 10 o’clock the hospital called and asked if I’m coming in for my surgery at 11:30. I freaked out explaining I thought I was supposed to be there at 11:30 and  basically Jeff just drove a fast is he good. We made it by 11 and surgery started around 12:30 so it’ll all work out. I guess I was just so scattered the day before and I never even pulled out that piece of paper to double check the times  and in my defense the nurse who called me to confirm, her dogs were barking and she was quite scattered as well. 🙃

Cancer, the word no one wants to hear

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in late March. I will always remember Chloe‘s night of percussion as I got the phone call about 2 hours before we had to leave. We cried, we embraced each other and prayed. We put on our best happy face and enjoyed a wonderful concert. Looking back it was a blessing that we had this concert to attend as we each processed the news no one ever wants to get! Also, Austin was home for his spring break so we were all together, another blessing! It all started in November,  I went in for a routine mammogram and was called right back the following day to come in for a diagnostic mammogram. In the following months I had a needle biopsy, a MRI (one of my worst memories) which warranted a double needle biopsy, and eventually a surgery which finally detected the cancer. All of the pathology was coming back atypical cells, which can be precancerous, before this surgery. 

I had a second surgery in April to remove the cancer and 3 lymph nodes. Praise God the cancer has not spread to lymph nodes; however, they did not get clear margins again which brings me to my next major surgery. After two surgical biopsy’s without clear margins, a mastectomy is the only option. Do I trust in God, YES! He has been so faithful through it all! He has never left my side and I have found joy and peace even in the midst of this trial.  Am I scared, yes, mostly of the pain because I’m a bit of a baby when it comes to pain and just being stuck inside! Summer is my favorite and I love all things outdoors. I know it is a short time of healing (4-6 weeks) and life will get back to normal! I will choose to focus on all of the blessings and be thankful for all that God has done for me every day! I am thankful for a husband who has been my chauffeur and daily dose of positivity when I get down! Jeff takes me to every appointment at Barnes and we’ve actually enjoyed  the car rides, great lunches, and time off together! My favorite memory was on a beautiful spring day we took 61 from Arnold all the way to Oak Ridge, windows rolled down and sunroof open, it was perfect! Looking back, I see the evidence of God working through every step of my cancer journey! Right down to the sweetest class I could have ever asked for. They never knew what was going on but they gave me strength to be strong, stay positive, and helped me more than they will ever know! I loved that I was able to finish the year strong and being greeted by their precious smiles and hugs upon all of the days off kept me going!   God doesn’t promise a life without trials but He does promise to be with you through all of the highs and lows! 

Finally, I am thankful for a doctor who did not dismiss the atypical cells and take the wait and see in 6 months approach! The type,  ductal carcinoma is cancer (carcinoma) that happens when abnormal cells growing in the lining of the milk ducts change and invade breast tissue beyond the walls of the duct. Once that happens, the cancer cells can spread. So, I am so glad the cancer was found before it spread to lymph nodes!   I know I went through a lot but they also found it in the earliest stage!

A couple years ago I started praying about a word for the year. God always answers. Through the year I pray and ask God to change me or strengthen me in some way and draw me closer to Him. Past words have been breathe, trust, peace, joy, and hope is the word God placed on my heart in January. So, when I am weak I lean into the God of hope! 

May you all be filled with the hope of God and trust in Him so you may experience true peace in trials. 

Even when we don’t see it, God is working! 

Catching up

 I always forget about this blog. I do a lot of journaling during my prayer time but wish I would have kept up with us through 2020 Covid and all that we experienced. However, I have lots of pictures and memories of the fun we made during that very difficult time. The hardest part was watching Austin have to miss out on the closure of his senior year! Will forever be grateful that he was at least able to have a graduation in late June. We are now two years past the start of Covid and things are finally back to normal for the most part despite to the awful state our economy is in. 

Hard to believe Austin will be junior college, Preston a senior in high school and Chloe an 8th grader! Every stage is different and I embrace every moment as they are all growing up! They are our greatest blessings! 

Well it is almost impossible to keep up with a blog when you are always busy between,work, the kiddos sports, and making time time for just family time. I really hoped to keep up with it over the summer! Maybe next year! Today was an amazing day! Austin and Preston played extremely well on the basketball court for their last games! Preston scored almost all of his teams goals. He was on fire!!! Austin was too. I tell them they are so blessed to be smart and athletic! I hope they both always try so hard in all that they do and never give up. I pray they know we will always be there for them to sport them and guide them in every choice they make! And when we aren't there, I pray they will go to their Father in prayer for guidance to always do the right thing! Ok now back to the fun filled day! After basketball and lunch, Chloe took a nap and I went to pick out our shirts for the mother son event at orchard! Preston wanted Mizzou so even though I really wanted a new Cardinal shirt we went with matching Mizzou shirts! We had a blast! We went out to dinner, learned a new dance and laughed a lot! Love all of my kids so much! Austin was at a birthday party! So Jeff and I hope to take him out to do something special real soon. Chloe looked liked Cinderella for the father daughter dance and Jeff cleaned up quite nice too! She was a princess with my prince for the night! This was so special to me to see her so excited with her daddy! Something I never got do with mine! I will cherish the memories and probably live through her experiences with Jeff as what a father should be like! Fortunately I no longer feel sorry for myself because my dad was taken to early from me to go to heaven! Through my walk with God I have learned that I am not fatherless and never was!I just had to open my eyes and call on him, trust in Him, be made new through him! I'm thankful for His amazing grace! Again, sidetracked! I think I'm ADHD! Jeff said Chloe danced the night away and she reminded him someone from a long time ago! Haha many year ago pre-kids I did love to dance the night away; however tonight on the dance floor I certainly felt my age and probably looked a little goofy at times but that's ok I think Preston had fun and that's all that matters!

Contentment

Memorial day weekend was a blast at the river with the Fisher family! We had a great time as soon as we got there hanging out at the river. It was perfect time for the kids to get in and explore. Crawdads and HUgE, I mean according to Austin, the biggest tadpole ever was found. They had so much fun playing, building, and creating in the rocks. The evening concluded with dinner, the little girls dancing with their daddies, and smores of course. After our big breakfast Saturday morning we loaded up on the school bus and took a crazy ride up the river (Chloe was all smiles, she loved the bus ride). We boarded our 6man raft and enjoyed the day floating down the black river along with the partiers, who by the way you could hear a mile away with their loud music, so we got ahead of them and as soon as we heard them coming it was a race to hurry up and load the rafts and paddle on!!! Good times!! Let's just say this also opened up discussion with the boys about some words I'm pretty sure they never heard before. And I pray I never hear come out of their mouth. Everyone was exhausted after the day on the river but we still managed to cook up a scrumptious meal which was delayed for a moment due to the unknown whereabouts of Parker, certainly not a highlight of the trip, but a few minutes we will never forget. All was ok and very thankful he was fine. The night continued and after more smores, we followed the music and discovered a little party at the pavilion where a man played his guitar and sang while the campers danced and laughed the night away. This weekend brought back memories of my younger days before kids, a time that people said would be the best the days of my life, however, I say to them that the best years of my life began when I got married, had my babies and in the mist of all that, found God and was baptized in the lake five years ago. These have truly been the best years! It's funny how time changes, 15 years ago I would have loved to sit back drink a few beers on the river, now I'm allergic to all alcohol, it actually makes my allergies go crazy which is fine by me because I can truly be happy now knowing that I have a God who loves me unconditionally and will never leave or forsake me, I have a wonderful husband who I love more today than when we were two crazy teenagers in love, three beautiful children who have brought more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined. And I have a job that I absolutely love! I am so blessed with more than I deserve. I am forever thankful! I love my life and feel very content as I approach 35. Wow, that sounds old! I want to savior every moment with my kiddos because it's going by so fast. Preston is going to be 8 Sunday and Austin 11 in a few weeks. When I thinking about our five year goals, I realized in five years I will have a son behind the wheel and that totally freaks me out! So, I'm going to hit the pause button now and go make more memories with my little loves!

Day 3

Chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and now water balloons and water guns to start our 3rd day of summer fun and it's only 10 a.m! Lovin it! Counting my blessings!!!